To Know Me

This past December, Michael and I came to Nashville. Our trip happened just before Hanukkah and he surprised me with a special gift to see one of my favourite artists, Lauren Daigle. Her music has been the soundtrack to my twenties and thirties. I played her songs while I was in Israel for three months. Whether I was riding the bus or walking in the desert, her music brought me joy and comfort on days where I felt very far from home. Her songs filled my apartment during my 'single' days, when I felt lonely or wondered where God would take me next in life. Her voice sang out the words I needed to hear. When I was pregnant I would blast her latest album in our house, and dance with Raffa in my tummy. I would play those songs in the car driving, singing to him. After Raffa was born into Heaven, I couldn’t listen to music, it was too painful. It took many weeks for me to be able to listen to a song and not be completely swallowed up. Slowly, over months, I was able to hear one song, and then another, but the songs my heart could handle the most were Lauren’s. It was her music I had shared most with my baby boy. When I listen to each song now I picture those nine months with Raffa and the joy that rose up in me because of him.

Music is a gift that speaks to me now, more than ever before. It’s very difficult for me to feel excitement about things I used to find exciting in life, but that night as I got ready to go to the concert, I felt a spark of anticipation that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Part of our ticket was to attend an earlier more intimate performance where Lauren would also answer questions from the audience. As we waited in the foyer, the moderators invited anyone with a question to come up and submit it before we went inside. Michael asked me if I had a question and my mind went blank. I couldn’t think of one question to ask. Sometimes things like that feel a bit difficult for me now. As I tried to think of a question, he gently suggested we ask about one of her songs called ‘To Know Me’, what had inspired it and why she wrote it. Michael submitted the question under my name, and we went inside to take our seats.

‘To Know Me’ is on the Kaleidoscope album I listened to while I was pregnant. At that time, I didn’t know how the words in that song would carry me through the many months after we said goodbye to Raffa. It was my sister who first reminded me of the song after he was born. She said, “When you’re ready, listen to ‘To Know Me’ again, it’s going to mean even more to you now.” She was right. The first time I heard the song again, I cried and cried, because I felt it captured our experience as grieving parents perfectly. The song is an expression of grief and the lyrics say To know me, you would have to know my friend. For Michael and I, to know us now, you have to know about Raffa. 

We were fortunate to choose our seats freely as we entered the theatre, we selected a spot with a good view and proximity to the stage. Because, this show was themed as a Christmas Special we weren’t exactly sure what to expect. We were told she would sing one song for us and then answer questions. Lauren came out and addressed everyone with such kindness and joy. She introduced her piano player and said, “We would like to share with a you a song we haven’t performed in a while, since we aren’t on tour, but it’s a very special song to me, and it’s called ‘To Know Me’”. 

Michael and I looked at each other in disbelief, tears welling up in our eyes. We couldn’t believe God would give us such a sweet gift, that out of all the songs she could have sang, she chose the song we wanted to hear most. As she sang each note and line I pictured holding my sweet baby and how it felt to look at every detail of his face. I saw all the roads we travelled down because of him, state upon state, deserts, mountains, valleys, rivers, streams, and forests, sunrises and sunsets, all so we could have the time and space for God to show us about Raffael and what it means to be his parents. If it weren’t for Raffa, we never would have traveled down those roads. If Lauren Daigle looked out at our direction that night as she sang, she would have seen two parents with tears streaming down their faces. In that moment our Raffa was with us in the theatre, listening to his song. 

It was hard to catch our breath after the song, but right after it finished the question period began. The moderator opened with “Where is Jennalise?” I was shocked to hear my name, and immediately I realized how shy I am in these settings now. I gently raised my hand, and Lauren looked at me and said cheerfully “Hi Jennalise!” The moderator continued and said, “Jennalise has a question about the song you just sang, “To Know Me”. She wants to know what inspired the song and what was your process in writing it?” 

For the next several minutes she addressed Michael and I warmly and explained at length how the song was written to share the grief she and her co-writers experienced after losing a dear loved one or friend. The song was written to help them heal and to pay tribute to the people they loved. She also expressed that her friend, the late singer Nightbird had also inspired the song by sharing how she had come up with her stage name. She shared with Lauren that she chose Nightbird because even in the darkest night you can still hear a bird sing. She wanted a name that spoke to hope in the midst of pain. That resonated with me, that there can still be beauty in darkness. I know that the beauty in the darkness for us, is our son and all the moments that draw him near to us. We were moved beyond belief and so deeply touched at the goodness of God, to bless us with such a gift at a time where we truly needed to feel the closeness of Raffa. 

Below, I have shared the photos from that night, as well as the lyric video, so you too can hear the song and see the words. I hope it will resonate with you and speak to the parts of your heart that may need healing as well. 

With Love,

Raffa's Mama